“Simply put, to get to the heart of this country, one must examine its racial soul. Though this nation has proudly thought of itself as an ethnic melting pot, in things racial we have always been, and I believe we continue to be, in too many ways essentially a nation of cowards. Though race related issues continue to occupy a significant portion of our political discussion and though there remain many unresolved racial issues in this nation, we, average Americans, simply do not talk enough with each other about things racial.”
Eric Holder, Attorney General of the United States, February 18, 2009
Attorney General Eric Holder’s recent speech on Black History Month has been vilified by many for his use of the term “cowards” in describing the average American when it comes to the discussion of race and its place in our society. The published reactions to his speech are interesting, since almost every commentator has seemingly taken the comment personally – as if Mr. Holder aimed the comment at everyone but himself. In fact, he included himself within the scope of the complaint when he said “we, average Americans, simply do not talk enough with each other about things racial.”
Our society has changed greatly from the one in which I grew up; the one where stereotypes of all kinds were commonplace and where epithets and insulting terms were routinely used to describe any group one couldn’t comprehend. We have arrived at a point in the maturation of our society where most of us understand that using epithets to describe others who are different is not acceptable behavior. We understand that we are to be civilized to one another. We don’t, however, understand that we need to look past apparent differences in order to understand our common humanity. We simply haven’t been taught how to engage in the kind of conversation Mr. Holder is urging in his voluntarily assumed role as public provocateur.
While I am pleased that we have made progress to the point where epithets are no longer de rigueur in our society, I have to agree with Attorney General Holder that civil politeness is not nearly enough. We all have much to learn from one another and can only do so if we engage in constructive dialogue. I can remember many years ago in college when I asked a black friend from the South whether things were truly as bad as portrayed in the newspapers of the time. When she got through examining me to see if I was sincere in my question, she told me stories about her family’s upbringing in the South that were truly eye-opening. I had begun the conversation with a naive wish to disbelieve that mankind could be so cruel to itself, and was quickly disabused of my wish. Through her stories, she enabled me to look anew upon the world with fresh eyes. She made me realize that I had to engage reality, not hide from it. If we hadn’t had our conversation, I would not have come to this conclusion so quickly or, perhaps, at all.
I have seen this sort of behavior in person. My youngest son is hearing impaired – not deaf, but hearing impaired. As such, he inhabits a narrow world of those who are neither fully hearing nor fully deaf – in short, he is neither fish nor fowl. When he was in grade school and high school, the other children were unfailingly careful not to call him names or to classify him in any unkind way. They had learned at home that name calling was unacceptable, and their teachers enforced this rule. However, no one – students or teachers alike – ever voluntarily engaged him with respect to his differences and what those differences might mean to him. They never sought to learn from him what his differences might mean to them. They were either too frightened to inquire or too clueless to care.
More importantly, apart from the occasional unusual teacher or staff member the school never really reached out to include my son in its society – while he was with them, he was not of them. The loneliness this engendered in him was as hard for a parent to tolerate as it was for my son to endure. It still bothers me greatly even though he has now found, years later, societies in which he is accepted without qualification. I can only imagine the added pain he might have suffered if epithets had still been the rule of the day.
To give my son the credit he deserves, he tried to engage others about the issue while in school. In high school, he used to start each new class by standing to explain his hearing difficulty and letting his classmates know what they could do to help him in the classroom. I am proud of him for taking what was, for him, a very courageous step, but am deeply disappointed that no one – teachers and students alike – ever made his speech the beginning of a deeper discussion about human differences and what they might mean in the grander scheme of things. I reserve my greatest disappointment for his teachers, since they missed an outstanding opportunity to learn and to teach. Apparently, it was easier for everyone to listen, to stay silent, to quietly mark him as the kid with the hearing aides, and to move on to other, safer topics.
It is this innate inability to meet differences head on about which Mr. Holder is speaking. We are cowards when it comes to our differences. We don’t really want to know what it is like to live in someone else’s shoes or skin. Some of us are afraid that the other person will not want to speak about it or that we might offend; others are simply indifferent. Frankly, I find it easier to forgive the indifference as a by-product of a poor education or of a defective mind, than I do to forgive those more intelligent for overlooking the elephant in the room. As Mr. Holder says, for a person with an intelligent, inquiring mind to ignore the elephant, is simply cowardice.
I have always found that listening to others is the best way to learn. However, in order to listen, you must usually prime the pump to let others know that you care about their stories. Listening begins by first earning a basic level of trust and then by asking the few simple questions that let others know that you care enough to risk the asking. Only then will people begin to tell you about matters which are extraordinarily personal.
In other words, you have to first risk getting to know those different from you in some personal way which is typically beyond the limits of your personal comfort zone. Most of us will not take this risk. Some of us will do so sporadically, finding it easier to do so with some groups and not with others. Yet, whenever we do risk these kinds of conversations and acquaintances, we always learn something new about others and about ourselves. We are always enriched.
And, still, we hesitate.
It is our shared proclivity to hesitate that Mr. Holder was admonishing. The hesitation is the manifestation of our innate cowardice to deal with others who are different from us. As I have said elsewhere, I believe we, as a species, are genetically hard-wired to engage in this form of fight-or-flight hesitation when encountering something or someone new. This form of hesitation is peculiarly selfish as it is nothing more than a manifestation of our instinct for self-preservation. It is akin to the reaction of a cat to a sudden movement it does not understand. However, if we, as a species, are to continue to mature, society must recognize this hesitation for what it is and teach our children to blow right past it.
I see some hope that we are doing so, even if the process is not nearly as advanced as one might wish. I have been tutoring a group of college students in recent weeks and have been amazed at the diversity within the group and their seeming indifference to it. They treat one another as equals without the careful pussyfooting of my generation around the subject.
Perhaps it is Mr. Holder’s and my misfortune to simply be too old to have been able to enjoy this kind of mutual acceptance. It is equally possible, however, that while the students mix well, they aren’t asking the questions that lead to real mutual enlightenment and understanding. Maybe they are just civil and tolerant without being interested in the life stories of others. I don’t really know, and it occurs to me as I write this that I should try to find out. I think I have a topic for discussion with my youngest son – he has always been game to face these issues and hopefully he will read this and take up the discussion with me.
I congratulate Mr. Holder for having the courage to become a public provocateur on the subject of racial differences. To those who are accusing him of playing on white guilt or who are reaching other extraordinary conclusions, try actually listening to his remarks as I did. Don’t react to a summary prepared by someone else, go to the source – go here, for example, and listen for yourself: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rinku-sen/it-takes-a-nation-of-cowa_b_168276.html–
Trust me – Mr. Holder’s remarks aren’t that scary, especially when you come to realize that he is accusing himself of the same cowardice, the same hesitation, that each of us often feels. It took courage for Mr. Holder to admit his hesitation in public; it takes an equal, if not greater, amount of courage for each of us to move past our own hesitation in our private relationships and conversations.
Thanks for poking the elephant, Mr. Holder. Now that we have his attention, maybe we can find out what he has to say.
